the hardest part is leaving

'adventure can be real happiness.'

2010-07-30T08:09:00.001-05:00

i know fortunes don't mean anything, but...

wiener dogs

2010-07-30T05:57:00.000-05:00

i don't know how i'm ever going to feel happy again.
i don't know how i'm supposed to.

i need to never think again.

'but no one needs to say goodbye'

2010-07-29T07:41:00.002-05:00

i hate this. i hate myself.
i can't ever feel accepted or loved. maybe it's because i never actually am, or maybe not. i don't know. but i can't stand it. all i want more than anything is to feel like i actually belong with the people i love. i want to know that i am actually important to someone.

and it's all just so fucked. because i can't stop crying. but it doesn't even matter. in the whole scheme of things, nothing matters. i am so little and useless compared to the entire state of being. in a hundred years no one will know who i am. no one will care about anything that i'm feeling.

so why do i have to feel this? i don't understand.
i want to be happy.
i want to not hate myself for everything i am.

i wish it was possible for me to think that even if i tried to make something good out of my life, that it would ever matter. or make me feel accomplished. but i will always feel like i'm not good enough, and that it doesn't count for anything.

all that i love and all that i need

2010-07-25T11:02:00.001-05:00

i think i understand why people block out emotions. and memories. and thoughts.
it hurts so bad.
i can't stop crying for anything.

everything is so good and so bad. so happy and so sad.
it all overwhelms me. everything.

i
feel
too
much

it hurts so bad

all the right moves

2010-07-13T03:07:00.002-05:00

i just need you to understand this --- even if it is only this, and ever this that you understand --- you are a fool; and there is always so much more beyond this.

i am a fool, too, rather wishing that i could delve farther into the depths of which i am sure exist only to tempt the needy, longing mind.

i need meaning.

skivvies

2010-07-11T00:45:00.001-05:00

there's naught to stop the feeling of dread
when you don't do much
but get out of bed.

a thousand clever times unread on clever napkins

2010-07-10T03:12:00.001-05:00

i will never take a chance, not to ruin it.
understandably, this may mean i cannot move forward...

"i know you well enough to know you never loved me"

it's just the end of the world

2010-07-07T02:01:00.001-05:00

i am enlightened.

artful abortions of sound

2010-07-06T20:47:00.001-05:00

when i tell you to run and be free, it's because i love you and want you to be happy.
do what you must.
become what's in your heart.

i'm always here for you, but you need to expand.
and i understand.

surround my body

2010-07-06T04:01:00.000-05:00

i dreamt for eight straight hours that i was a pirate.

one man drinking games

2010-07-04T00:37:00.002-05:00

wow. it's only been a few months. am i really cut out of your life completely now?

i know nothing could ever be the same.
i know everything was a mistake in the first place.
i understand that you had such great problems.

but remember that promise i made?
how i'd always be there for you?
that still stands true.

i just never thought it would be over like this.

i hate losing people.

you deserve to be alive.

2010-07-01T01:29:00.002-05:00

i would like to thank you. for everything. for all the times you've been there for me, for every word you've listened to me say, for dealing with my emotions.

i want you to know how much you mean to me.
because i need you. and i will continue to need you. you keep me held down, you keep me sane, you keep me safe.

you have allowed me into your heart and you've loved me. you've made me feel like i am worthwhile. that if i were to die, i know in my heart that you would miss me.

and it's so nice to have someone like that.

so, thank you. for everything.

streets of gold

2010-06-30T02:51:00.000-05:00

i miss you, but i don't think you understand.
i can talk to you anytime i want. i can see you anytime i want.

you say you trust me more than anything.
but we're still missing something.

where did you go?

somebody get me out of here

2010-06-23T20:45:00.002-05:00

i want someone who will lay with me under the stars and listen to my story.

who won't give me sympathy, because it's nothing to feel bad about.

who won't give me advice, because i can handle it myself.

i want to be completely open, laid bare with all of my stories and secrets.

i need someone who will understand that all i want is to talk until my voice breaks. and for them to listen, because that's what i need.

it all has to come out.

it's on.

2010-05-26T23:47:00.001-05:00

this was always where i kept all my secrets.
well, close.

i want ms some you-time.

mumbo jumbo

2010-02-15T23:32:00.002-06:00

my brain is full and it keeps expanding. makes me think of how we only use a fraction of the brain that we really could. it makes me so upset. i want to use my entire capacity.

i'm sorry, though. i don't want to make you feel bad despite all that you have made me feel.
you're still the kid that can always make me laugh.
but you won't ever care about me like you used to, again.
i'm not important enough.

and this isn't a letters to the world blog.

but in case anyone is listening, take note:
it has been proven i'm not worthwhile. when i'm gone, i'll matter not more than a penny you find laying on the ground of a gas station.
"out of sight, out of mind" completely and always.

turn the music up way too loud

2009-08-25T22:04:00.002-05:00

"perfection is an obsession that is never-ending, that is impossible to achieve, that is life-threatening. it takes over, it haunts, it doesn't stop. it will eat you alive. it will scare you, taunt you, break you. forever."

wakemeup

2009-07-05T04:12:00.000-05:00

why is depression easier to manage than happiness?

economy sized dreams of hope

2009-06-21T02:28:00.003-05:00

it seems everything can make me sick. from lack of sleep, spread of germs, intolerances to food, sounds i hear in the night, and the casual beat down of my feelings.

felt my heart drop from my chest to my stomach. flew up to my throat, gagged me, and settled in the pit of my esophagus, choking me.
it's delusional and stupid and immature to let it get to me like this, but i've always been one to be overpowered by my emotions.
can't keep myself under control.

i don't know

i'm weary of motives and facts in general. overall afraid of the undoubtable truth.
i don't know what to do with myself or what to do to occupy my time.
we drove through the dark tonight. reminds me of everything i miss. sort of sad everything i miss all happened two weeks ago, yet it's already something i know i won't get back.

i miss the stupid vibrations and the stupid cartilage aches and i hate the stupid fact that some stupid kid can make me feel like this.

sick of getting daily panic attacks, it's fucking unbearable.

i hate having to say i miss school.

weatherby

2009-06-19T03:20:00.002-05:00

ps-
point blank addictions and unovercomeable obsessions are never good for anyone's health

it's unbearable for me to think about what a waste of life i am.

mediocre

2009-06-19T01:47:00.003-05:00

i'm getting sick again; not in the cold-type, coughing sneezing itching aching type sick, but the constant stomach ache, insomniatic, loss of weight and increase in sodium sick.
the type where i sleep for a few hours, am awake for a few hours, and sleep for a few hours.
i forget the days and pay little attention to the time.
read for ninety percent of the time i'm awake, scarf down some high fat foods and no calorie drinks.
last time this happened i got an ulcer and didn't sleep for a week.

catching up on old habits and forgotten loves.

i miss my friends dearly, though.
the fact that none but two have tried to contact me disheartens me in the worst ways possible.
i don't like feeling as if i'm not worthwhile, but when it's the truth, i must face it.

i am frightfully understanding that sleep is supposed to bring us pleasure, much more than is possible to be felt in reality. i did not, however realize that the luxury of sleeping whenever i please would be accompanied by the discomfort of physical pain when i awoke. panic attacks are one such physical pain i cannot become tolerable to, and the shock of waking up with the unbearable feelings was one i felt unnecessarily rude.

i wish i had the comfort of knowing someone cared.

i've got my gun cocked tight..

2009-06-15T04:40:00.001-05:00

kind of funny i forgot this is how summer feels.

watching the sun rise
looks good, feels good, sounds good, smells good.
i'm antsy and giddy and awake.
mostly happy, though, and that's what counts.

(i think)

woah, can't do it by myself

2009-06-12T19:36:00.002-05:00

i feel so different than i used to
but i still remember writing everything i ever did.

and i wonder if anyone remembers as much as i do
because when people tell me they'd never do something, i think to myself 'but you already have'
i don't hold it against them, though
it's no one's fault but mine
and i blame only myself

i'm so afraid of all that can happen, and all that won't.

but he was a muffin

2009-06-11T14:06:00.001-05:00

it is disappointing now, that it is so late
it is painful now, that it was so obvious it never was

blame it on the alcohol

2009-06-04T12:54:00.001-05:00

first song of the summer.

it's weird that each summer i talk about how much i miss last summer.. regardless of how it went
this shit better be good